Wednesday, January 8, 2020

Outdated White Knights - Here`s 12 Steps to Dating a Career Bitch

The concept of a knight in shining armor is far outdated. In today’s world, a career woman like myself typically looks for a sane, really hard-working, successful guy who has his shit together, nice eyes and a nice ass. A guy who will respect her career, be morally supportive of it and actually also make time for a real life, real world relationship.

Because dates and sex matter.

Reality only bites if you do not have your shit together.

I look at basics that let me know if a guy is genuinely worth my time.

1. He has a successful career and works – a lot. That is so I never have to listen to crap like “Are you done yet?” “When will you be ready to go to bed?” “What do you mean dinner is not ready?” See, a successful dude is WORKING. He does not care whether dinner is ready because he picked it up from an Italian restaurant to feed himself at his desk while he worked late, too. He also does not have the stupid, outdated idea that the woman should cook. My cousin Derald is the chef of their household.

2. He loves football and hates computer games and shit like WoW. Wow, I find that computer and gaming system crap BORING. I love FOOTBALL so much that I sleep in an XFL Renegades jersey, have the ESPN, NFL, XFL and Tune In Premium apps because I only miss a game when someone is paying me to do so by either having hired me for PR, consulting or I have a book deadline. He would be the kind of guy who would road trip to games with me like my guy friends Danny, Loy and Zahid did for YEARS. I was the only girl on the trips and I fucking liked it that way.

3. Oh yes, he is deadline driven. I never have to hear drivel from him. He would understand that I have SHIT to do. Major to dos to do. And my so-called knight in shining armor would GET THAT. He would shut up and work. No excuses, as my fav football coach would say.

4. He talks to me IN PERSON, FACE-TO-FACE. Sane people do that, you see. That is how one DATES. The ONLY reason I would EVER have to take time off from running my two businesses and writing books would be to go on an actual date to a nice restaurant like 1492 which is a few blocks from my home in the city. Dating is how you get to know one another. It is how you figure out if you want to have sex with the person, if they could conceivably make it through a fundraiser at the Met without embarrassing you, what their butt looks like in a suit, whether they can carry on a decent conversation, who their favorite football teams are, their favorite coaches, if they actually watch the games and know strategy. (I mean, if a fucker does not know why you should throw into the sidelines if your route is blocked and they are okay with the QB messing up and throwing straight down field, they are NOT the GUY for me. At all. Also, if their knowledge of sports comes from EA or Fantasy Football, it is a no.)

5. He would have to be un-offended by the time he reached this point. He also needs to not fucking care that I curse. Just when it is me talking as myself. When I present weather research, I am all business. When I represent a public relations client, I am all business. When I am around the house, I sit like a guy, wear sweats and curse like a sailor. You think I am kidding. See the football jersey photo.

6. He will ONLY contact me according to MY choices of contact – telephone, texting, email, Twitter, Facebook, Linked In and Instagram. (Okay, this applies to EVERY person.) He would do it himself. I balk if a guy has his secretary or one of our friends or his family member, etc. pass me along a message. We are not in fourth grade and I would be dating HIM. Not his mama, not his buddy, not his personal assistant. If he is unable to take the 20 seconds required to text me, there is no hope for a relationship. I appreciate one-on-one interaction. It would be him sitting across from me at the dinner table and only him I would have sex with, so I expect that EVERYTHING else would be PRIVATE between JUST the two of us as well. I am fine with posting a selfie of myself with a guy, but I am a big fan of having complete control of my private life, so I decide what to share. I would never give my sister or friend a message to give to someone. I expect the same respect.

7. That last word is the biggest thing. It is the most important. I give R-E-S-P-E-C-T to the guy I am with and damn, I expect the same thing from the guy. If he cannot respect the rules of even getting to know me, how the hell could I ever expect him to respect me as a person? My careers? My deadlines? My needs?

8. He pays for himself. I pay for me. I have supported myself since I was 18 years old. I am proud to say I am 51 now. (Oh, and that pic is undoctored and taken two days ago.) My parents had separate bank accounts. They had a joint bill paying account. They traded off who picked and paid for the car once they whittled it down to having one. He will live nicely because I do and I am not paying for someone else. I do not expect him to pay for me.

9. He can have quirks like wanting to do it on the 50-yard line, but I draw the line at egregious shit like lettering or numbering people (jersey numbers excepted). I also grant an exception to my great-grandparents who got away with naming my poor great aunt Tina “Fifteenus” which she legally changed to Tina at 18. I kinda get that, sweet lady.

10. He must accept that I go some odd places for weather research. (My NCAR WAS*IS profile.)  I mean they can
get outright scary. He will not be able to go to unless he does the same thing for a living and I do not want to date another researcher. EVER. Just realize when I say on the phone that I have to go chase tweakers out my forest so they do not knock over my rain gauges, I am being literal. I usually carry a butcher knife to do so. Also, if I say I have to get back to someone because I am knee-deep in mud on the side of a mountain by a lake in a forest, realize that I am NOT being facetious. I am being literal. Respect that I need to wade out of said mud to high ground before a flash flood and just fuck off. (Selected research presentations.)

11. Dudes that I will date do NO DRUGS. EVER. I am clean and sober. I want a guy who is the same. You cannot be good-looking if you suffer from meth mouth or are constantly drunk. (Trust me on this. After six years of sobriety I have learned people look really ugly and stupid when they are drunk. The alcohol just makes them THINK they look cool.) I am okay with a guy who has a couple of drinks per WEEK, but if you drink every night, you are not for me. Period. No discussion. Leave me alone.

12. I am straight. Let me say that again – STRAIGHT. I expect the guy to be, too. None of this bi shit. I expect a monogamous relationship. That means just the guy I date in real life, face-to-face and me. Two people. A couple of which I am half. You really would not believe how many times I have had to explain this. I do not know WHY it so damn hard for people in the 21st century to understand. Maybe it is that I started out as a model and okay, fashion is kinda wild. I give you that. I am happy for ALL of my friends and colleagues who have found love in any format they choose, but that is totally for THEM. So, I have a fashion designer friend who is married to a guy and a girl, and the three of them live with their creative brood of kids in one house in the city. Totally cool for them. Not for me. I would want to date a straight guy who enjoys monogamy with ME.

13. Live in reality and function as a sane person. (I know I already mentioned the sanity thing, but damn, you sane fuckers seem to be in short supply.) Use your imagination at work. When it comes to us, I want serious, intelligent conversation, on the telephone and in person. My reality is awesome to me. I like it. I research. I write. I love it. If you need to live in your imagination and cannot handle reality, leave me the fuck alone. I like sane, serious-minded people who shut up, focus, concentrate and let me do the same. I do NOT role play or RPG. Avoid pretending to be someone you are not. If you use somebody famous' name, realize that I am not a dimwit and I will simply ask why you do not just message me from your verified social media. IF you really were the person you say you are, you could do that. DUH. DO NOT LIE. Lying is stupid. I have an IQ of 157 the last time it was tested. I am a smart bitch. I will report you to the poilce for being an asshole perpertrating identity theft. I will also use my access to the various publicists and artists and sports representation agencies to turn you in to them, so their clients whom you stupidly tried to fake being can SUE YOU UNTIL YOU HAVE TO DIG THROUGH GARBAGE FOR DINNER. I think of the ass who created a fake duplicate account of the actor Ray Liotta and followed my Twitter to try to hit on me. It was a well done COPY, but still was not the REAL ONE and not verified and since I have good sense, I knew that since I followed the actual verified account at the time. If you were anything like Mr. Liotta, you would be just as hot, just as sexy, just as successful, just as accomplished and you would already have your OWN *verified* ACCOUNT with which to follow people. Be yourself, but be fucking awesome because I have no free time, so you MUST be amazing in real life, in reality, for me to make any time for you. You must be the real thing. The actual person.

If you read this far, cool. Thanks. If you actually meet the criteria and think I am cute and you are not put off by a bitch who knows her own worth and adds taxes, contact me in one of the methods appropriate methods described in number six because I am exceedingly tired of idiots. Have your shit together. Do not waste people’s time. If you are an agoraphobic living in the countryside, we are never even going to speak because I love the CITY. The bigger the CITY, the better.

Someone asked me years ago why I was still single. I answered that I had yet to meet a guy who actually loves me, who I also love, and who would willing do what I consider totally basic shit like respect me, my careers and my needs. I will stay single until one amazing motherfucker comes along IN PERSON to date me, fuck and get married. Because I would MUCH RATHER BE SINGLE THAN SETTLE. Period. Now, please have the Fortnite players stop following me and the dipshits who pass messages through others fuck off and the asses who want a long-distance relationship only to fuck off. Because I refuse to let any person waste MY TIME.

Because as the fav football coach points out, I OWN my own time. I say none of you get any of it until you rise up to meet my standards. Think of this as the 12-step to being my friend, colleague, or future boyfriend. Man up. Send a friend request or go fuck a lesser bitch. A real man would not be offended at this post. He would be happy to know that a babe exists who would whip up an awesome breakfast after hot sex the night before who has books in the library and bookstores, businesses to run and would respect his own early mornings, late  nights and have balls to run the show and handle shit without blowing up his GD celly with stupidity like Ron White jokes thta his ex-wife constantly did.

If I sound pissed, I am. I am sick and tired of dumbasses and their female friends and families interrupting me living my life my way while they try to get me interested in a fucker I would NEVER date because he hasn’t the BALLS to have just followed my Facebook or Twitter and instant message me or who CLEARLY is not a guy I would ever WANT to date. Because MY OPINION is the ONLY ONE that matters - it being MY LIFE and MY BODY and MY MIND that would have to spend time with him. Maybe it is that I worked as a journalist for so long and have no problem picking up the phone to interview a total stranger, but DAMN… the Internet is free at EVERY library and email and social media are FREE. But, if you have the income of a guy I would date, that would not matter. You would not NEED shit to be free.

Still, it does mean that there Is NO EXCUSE for some ignorant bitch or ass interrupting my work constantly to chit chat to get to know me. You do not GET to get to know me unless I WANT to know YOU. Now, I have deadlines to meet and articles to write and three books due to my publisher in the next couple of months, so unless I could Google you and get pages of results and you have the BALLS to walk up, talk to me in person and DATE in person, just fuck off. And, please, have your kids do the same and your friends’ kids, etc. Because unless you meet all 12 criteria I am NOT INTERESTED. And I do not run a dating service, so I am NOT HELPING YOU or ANY OTHER PERSON find somebody. Kindly, meet all 12 criteria or fuck off. Because I have become that bitch. Goodnight.

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